Jul 5, 2007

[Personal] Roku

This is a Tri-Blog post that will appear on all three of my blogs Beyond Dinobot Island, The Geeky Guide to Nearly Everything and Moonbase 8

2007 is turning out to be a great year. So many things appear to be going our way that it's actually scary at times. Not to sound paranoid, but you can't help but wonder if the Karmic scales are going to swing the other way in order to balance things out somehow. Of course, you might consider that this is the balancing move, whatever it is that's offsetting past grievances against you. Either way works.

One could name the little things - Venus Williams just defeated Sharapova in Wimbledon (since Sharapova Must Die), the Transformers movie came out and fulfilled my fan boy dreams, Jayson now lives with us and we're one happy unit at Matilda, the cats are gorgeous, I'm able to talk to my family and visit regularly - the list goes on and on.

Today is Independence day in the US, since it's still July 4 over there. On this side of the world, however, we've crossed the terminator and now it's July 5. Today marks six years of being together with Brian. Go on, count them - one, two, three, four, five, and six. That's six whole years that I get to call him "Luv" and hold his hand and share his bed and so many other tiny things.

I don't think I'll get over how I described things last year - my love is in the details. For someone who tends to display OCD-ish behaviors, I can't help but remember the smallest details and commemorate the slightest things. My mind keeps tagging things, cataloging them in my head, recording them, indexing them and stowing them away for future use. We talk about the mind containing more information than what can we can possibly use or actively recall - who knows what I have hidden away? The look in your eyes, the feel of your skin on mine, the warmth of your embrace, the silly taunts you subject me to - so many things to celebrate within every waking moment. Being with you helps me quell the storms of ideas in my head and keeps me sane.

Who knows what the future will bring? All I know is that it's going to be good somehow, one way or another. I can't help but be positive about things - my life seems to have become so much better ever since I met you, more so when we officially got together. Had you asked me 6 years ago if I thought my life would be anything like this, I doubt I could have predicted any of things.

Life is about key logs and shifting sands - little movements that result in big changes. These are the lessons that I've learned in life - the words of Frank Herbet in Dune, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and Chaos Theory. What could these things possibly have to do with expressing my love today, on this day of days? You need to remember that my love is in the details. Let's dive in, shall we?

Dune remains my favorite books of all time. Dune taught me how to think politically and how to realize the importance of individuals over institutions. The books reminded me that the shifting of a single grain of sand can change the face of the entire sand dune - thus changing the world. A single event can change your life. People these days will say I'm talking about the Tipping Point, but of course I never read that book. Herbert taught me this.

Heisenberg talks about how the universe can be infinitely complex, that when broken down to the sub-atomic level, no measurement can ever be precise since the act of observing changes the observed. We live in a world of chaos and flux and while we desire order, ultimately it is written into the very fabric of the universe that this not be so. It makes the universe both exciting and scary at the same time - how does someone like me survive knowing things like this? First understanding the implications of this theory kept me up all night - the last time this had happened was probably when I accepted the theory blaming a cosmic event for killing the dinosaurs or when I learned the ozone layer was being eaten away.

Chaos Theory teaches us about how seemingly separate and distinct events can be interconnected through cause and effect. It may seem ludicrous, but little changes create ripples throughout the system so it may be possible to interrelate any two events in terms of causality.

While it may seem hard to connect all three, but these are the three biggest truths of my life. I know the world to be uncertain and that chaos reigns despite my own obsessions with order and yet I still feel I can change the world as I need it to be. It's hard to control those changes such they we do not allow chaos to run away with things, but still we try despite entropy existing in the universe.

There was a time I thought that my life would be a lot simpler. That I would trude along and do what was expected and live within the confines of my life. Then Brian came along and taught me to truly live and helped me find more reasons to smile, to laugh and even to sing. He got me out into the world and (somewhat) taught me how to dance. I'm still trying to get better at it.

Brian changed my life, and it's definitely been for the better. How many people have come into your life capable of doing this? It's extremely rare, I'm sure, and this counts both positive and negative changes. I know I got lucky and I count my blessings every day. My life is good - enriched by friends but more so through my relationship with Brian. While everyone has their shaky bits, as do we, but largely we've done well together and have surived so much together. Who could have imagined the two of us getting together, our lives joining as one and ultimately resulting in what we have today? The concept overwhelms me at times and I find myself following a multitude of thought threads in my head, near-infinite paths of contemplation and possibility.

My minds often runs away with me but having Brian in my life helps me find my place. Sometimes the chaos threatens to consume me but knowing he is with me helps me find my center, guides me to bring order back into my life. Brian helps me to be me, as strange as that may sound. While he does not define who I am as an individual, he helps me keep myself at bay in order for me to live out my life as myself. Haha, that was a weird statement, but it feels right.

So from the kid who overthinks things and ends of trying to live life as a much older person, I document all this as a message of love. It's not your stereotypical love poem or anniversary greeting, but then again our life together is anything but plain, ordinary or cliche.

Thank you for helping me be me. Thank you for loving me despite all my idiosyncrasies. Thank you for changing my world forever in ways neither of us may fully come to appreciate or understand.

I love you, Brian.


  1. Congratulations, you and Brian officially replace Tigger and Pooh as my all time favorite gay couple, simply because you survived the rocky(yes that's you) and horny college years.

    May you have many more years to come until you both become gurangs. :D

  2. Thanks, Neil.

    Rocky years? Horny College years? What's the difference? LOL

  3. Wow. Profound and sweet. This is now my favorite blog entry of yours.

    Congratulations on your six years. As I said, that's 40 years in gay life. :-)

  4. Thanks Misterhubs, much appreciated. I hope you and Hubby to well in the coming years.

    I'm glad you liked the entry - it was a bit of a challenge thinking of what to say after last year's entry. =D

  5. awww ....

    first time visitor here but just had to respond, congrats on your very sweet and happy relationship.

  6. Congratulations rocky and brian! Though i never know you guys personally, id like to extend my warmest greetings for your 6 wonderful years of love and togetherness. Kudos!

    Your interplay of Dune, Heisenberg and Chaos Theory? That's the best composite of principles/ideas correlated to human experience. I never knew that those ideas could be connected that gracefully and poignantly. That is a phenomenologic masterpiece.

    I used to believe that each one of us has only one great love. I had mine before and though things went awry, I still considered him to be "it." In this world where finding the right person is as difficult as finding a needle in the midst of the haystack, Im elated that you have found yours and enjoying every minute of your life with him. That was really inspirational.

    Well, sorry if the comment is quite long. =) Once again, congratulations and best wishes.

  7. einjhel,

    thank you for taking the time to share your warm words - we very much appreciate them.


    no comment can ever be "too long". thank for your the overwhelming praise! i wasn't sure this was going to work and brian has called it my geekiest anniversary greeting ever, hehe.

    i'm flattered you found this post inspirational - i certainly hope good things come your way as well. =D